Going to the Doctor

I remember a visit to the doctor's office a while back. Something happened to my back during a weekend with Martha (wife) that caused me to look like Quasimodo and feel worse. I called the doctor and made an appointment. The appointment writer downer gave orders to arrive 30 minutes early to fill out paperwork.

Upon arrival I approached a window where the beast was housed. She (it looked female) handed over scads of forms to fill out and at least 5,000 questions to answer in the brief span of 30 minutes. Little did I know that it would be plenty of time.

With the help of Martha we completed everything and I returned it to the beast. She told me to sit down and wait and she'd call when the doctor was ready to see me.

See Don. See Don Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

45 minutes elapsed since feeding the beast 35 pounds of paper and the ink from 3 boxes of Bic pens. Unacceptable, I thought. I approached the window that seemingly provided protection for infirmed humans and told her that the appointment was for 10:15 am and it was 11:00 am. I was informed that the doctor was usually this late and it wasn't a problem. I told her I didn't care about what was 'usually' and that it was a problem. We had words.... lots of words....

I waited..... and waited....

FINALLY my name was called and we were ushered into the examination room. After a few minutes the door opened. In walked this girl dressed incredibly sloppy with a huge lab coat. Why do they dress like that? This nurse, or tech, started asking the same questions I spent all that time answering 30 minutes before the appointment. I reluctantly answered them. She scribbled on a sheet of paper attached to a clipboard in large illegible balloon letters and left. I guessed that I'd be seeing the doctor next.

WRONG!

In walks this guy that could be mistaken for a doctor...

"Who are you?" I asked.
"I'm the PA"
"Huh?"
"The PA. Physicians Assistant."
"Where's the doctor?"

He started playing doctor and proceeded asking the same 5,000 questions...

"I answered those already. They're on the chart".

He kept asking THEN proceeded to poke and prod my body. I couldn't stand it. Lastly, he scribbled on a pad using illegible hieroglyphics only he could interpret and left.

So far over 45 minutes had been spent in the exam room and no doctor had been sighted.

I WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR!

When the overbooked and time challenged M.D. finally made his glorious appearance he picked up the chart and began asking the same questions the nurse and PA had previously asked.

DOESN'T ANYBODY LOOK AT THE FORMS I SPENT HALF THE MORNING FILLING OUT?

After asking questions He proceeded to poke and prod my body. Occasionally he'd grunt something in Latin (I think) and ask stupid questions like,

"Does that hurt?"
"Of course it hurts. You just poked me."

The doctors examination, writing of the prescription, and asking the if I had any questions took almost 10 minutes. Why was I there for 2 hours if he was only going to spend 10 minutes?

Needless to say, I was not happy. After pondering this horror story and thanking God I didn't have to remove my clothes, I believe I've found a solution to this silliness. I'm starting a new medical service called

"Don's Patient's Assistant"

It's truly ingenious. You call the doctor and make an appointment. Immediately, you place a call to "Don's Patient's Assistant" and give us the details. When it's time for your appointment "Don's Patient Assistant" will get to the doctor's office early, fill out the forms, and answer all the stupid questions that nobody is going to look at.

During that time you'll be able to stay at work, take a nap in your car, or visit the coffee shop. Instead of non productive down time you can take care of business, read your newspaper, or keep up with e-mail via your wireless.

Meanwhile the "Don's Patient's Assistant" is telling anybody who'll listen where it hurts, how much you've puked, and what you had for breakfast. When the time comes for the doctor to see you "Don's Patient's Assistant" will call you via your wireles and you're on your way. By the time you get to the exam room the doctor will almost be ready to see you and will ask you all the questions your assistant has answered to deaf ears and nobody will know the difference.

Seriously, I don't know about you but we pay insurance to see a doctor, NOT a P.A. It gripes me to spend money on something and not get what I paid for, i.e. a doctor and not some wannabe play doctor.

From now on I'm making it a point to tell the receptionist that I will not be seen by the pa. If the doctor won't see me I'll go elsewhere. I'm paying for a doctor and I expect to see a doctor.